Goodbye goody two-shoes

Yesterday I did everything in my power to kill myself accidentally. It’s fortunate I survived because today is my birthday and I’m now the meaning of life, 42.

I’m a bit of a goody two-shoes but this is only because I don’t like getting into trouble. This makes it doubly painful when I do the wrong thing without meaning to. First I stepped out in front of a car because I thought the pedestrian crossing had changed to green but it was the green light for traffic that had changed. Half-way across the road I wondered why the car 50cm to my right was inching forwards and then I realised he had a green light and I had just walked right out in front of him.

Later I cycled home from the centre of town in the pouring rain. It was dark, rainy and visibility was poor but stupid me forgot to turn the front light on. I have a fantastic, brand new bike, with an expensive, pedal-powered light up front – I turned it on when I first got the bike and I leave it on all the time because there’s no battery – I am the battery and I figure it doesn’t matter if they’re on during the day. But somehow it wasn’t on. I didn’t think to check because I never turned it off. I also didn’t notice it was off because the rain was pouring on my face and there were street lights. Nevertheless it’s hard for cars to see bikes without lights on rainy nights and several cars pulled out in front of me. They did see me eventually but I’m sure they were cursing me – “Stupid cyclist without lights and a helmet”! But I did have a helmet and I did have lights – my helmet is invisible and I simply forgot to turn the lights on.

What really peeved me off about this is that cyclists get such a bad rap as it is. People hate us and without good reason. We just want to do the right thing by our health and the planet – why is that a crime? It’s for this reason that I go out of my way to never do the wrong thing when I’m cycling. I don’t go through red lights and I walk across pedestrian crossings when I’m stopped on the road at an intersection. In short, I do so many things specifically *not* to aggravate the motor brigade – I’m a bloody irritating goody two-shoes. Then I go and cycle home in the dark and rain without lights. I’m sure there’s a new wave of motorists in Aberdeen cursing all cyclists now just because of me. Well fuck that – I’m sick of goody two-shoes. If people hate me for wanting to reduce my greenhouse gas emissions and stay slim then I don’t give a rat’s arse what they think. I’m 42 now and an adult at last, though a slightly dishevelled one.

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