How are you?

This is an interesting question because it is often asked without a genuine desire to hear a truthful answer. Most people expect a “fine, thank you”, response. But if you’re feeling miserable and you answer ” fine, thanks”, then this is a lie. And why bother asking a question if you already know the answer?

I have a real problem with this aspect of our society because I like and appreciate straight-talking. I can’t stand lies and fake conversation because most of the time, you know it’s a lie anyway and the person dishing it out is assuming you can’t handle the truth. If someone asks me how I feel about something, I will give a truthful answer. As far as I’m concerned, if you don’t want the truth, then don’t ask for it. Likewise, I expect the truth in return. What’s the point of the conversation otherwise?

This has been an issue for me recently because this term, I’ve started taking Elizabeth to Playcentre. For non-New Zealanders who don’t know what Playcentre is, it’s a parent-run community for preschoolers. It’s a wonderful, exciting place for young children, much like kindergarten, except that instead of dropping your kids off and picking them up again later, parents stay on session. Parents are the teachers as there are no paid teachers. I suppose it sounds a bit like playgroup except that it’s much more formal and is an approved early childhood education provider for preschoolers. I go because Elizabeth is still too young to get the free hours at Kindy and Playcentre provides the stimulation she needs without the expense for us. Even though I’d love to have the break, preschool is too expensive.

It all sounds perfect except that I don’t much like Playcentre, for reasons too long to elaborate on here. But quite often, one of other of the parents there will ask how I’m enjoying it. I know they are expecting just one answer, “fine, thanks”, but I just can’t say that because it’s not true. Elizabeth loves it though so I say so, but I also answer truthfully. The interesting thing is, that my unexpected answer generates shock and surprise because it’s not exactly acceptable.

Telling the truth in these situations can be very useful. Not only does it make the conversation real, but the problems and issues you may have can be discussed and possibly worked on to some resolution. I wonder how many other people agree with this? Or do I just sound rude and tactless?

Posted

November 23, 2012

Journal

Rachel M

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Comments

9 responses to “How are you?”

Eve Spence

November 23, 2012

What about kindergarten? Your government has a policy of 20 hours for all children between the ages of three and five at little more than 50 cents per hour although I am not certain if that is means tested or not.

Reply
1. quakerat
  
  November 23, 2012
  
  Yes, Elizabeth will get the 20 free hours when she turns 3. She’s not yet 3. Next year, she’ll start Kindergarten.
  
  Reply
livy

November 23, 2012

I agree with this in general, but I must admit, I don’t always have the energy/strength to say ‘I’m not fine’. It may be a lie but I choose my moments.

Even amongst friends I sometimes sense that there are layers hidden under the standard response, and when they are ready we can tease them out together!

That being said, I detest false positivity… And am always suspicious of people who make their life seem like a billboard for fun… But I’m probably just a miserable cynic! (Life after all is pretty rough on an upper middle class 26 yr old!)

Reply
1. quakerat
  
  November 23, 2012
  
  I too hate false positivity. I would never describe you as a miserable cynic! Couldn’t be further from the truth.
  
  Hope you’re not planning the Tongariro Crossing next month. Tongariro just erupted again this week and Ruapehu is expected to go very soon.
  
  Reply
JED

November 23, 2012

Looks like I lie. If asked I say I am fine -as I cannot really say “Fine though I am waiting for the next big one so on edge here and there, thus not sleeping well which impacts on my day which…..”. Apparently we are meant to move on. Ha would if I could. As for Playcentre I went for the same reasons you did Rachel – though once kindy start we stopped going. It is a good way to get to meet other families locally. Still friends with one woman I met a Playcentre – a long, long time ago!

Reply
1. quakerat
  
  November 24, 2012
  
  About Playcentre, I have to say that all the people there are really lovely and so this is something very positive about it.
  
  As far as earthquake go, I used to tell people honestly about how I felt all the time, and in fact still talk about it now. But because very few other people did, it did feel a bit like I was the only one struggling with the aftershocks. I think now that many, many people feel the same as you and me but keep it hidden and buried. I’m not convinced this is a good thing.
  
  Reply
  1. jed
    
    November 24, 2012
    
    Yes I wonder if it is good for the mind and soul. Will let you know if a year or so….
Max

November 26, 2012

Dear Rachel, I agree with your comment that the exchange of pleasantries between people is often not honest in the literal sense. But that is the way it should be. The objective when dealing with people varies with situation and with the person that you are communicating with. Often we are communicating with persons we either don’t know or have just met, or know only casually. Such people don’t want to know the truth about your real feelings, they have their own issues to deal with. So by coming out and telling them things that do not want to hear is an intrusion into their personal space and will be unwelcome. It will turn them against you instantly. This is a bad outcome for you. Although you wish for honesty, I am sure that you don’t wish people to dislike you intensely because of perceived rudeness, which you are not. You are motivated only by honesty, but this is not how society works.

When you get to know a person really well, they will become interested in your feelings and will want to know more about you and what you really think. In this case honesty is welcome as close relationships have to be based on honesty. But by coming out and telling someone you have just met that you do not like NZ might instantly prevent you from forming a very good friendship with that person. In polite society, it is necessary to follow social norms. It has always been this way in every society in all cultures around the world. This is not lying but just appropriate behaviour when first meeting someone. First impressions are so important, and if one meets a person for the first time and thinks that the person seems very nice, then you will want to follow up on that first meeting with more conversation at next meeting. Eventually, you will form a new friendship and then it is possible to be more honest about how you really feel. And this goes both ways. You need to show similar sympathy with your new friend.

In Asia, social norms are very strong. Asians are very careful with what they say with newcomers and even work colleagues that they might know very well. They have worked out that in their societies with so many different religions and different customs that they must be very tolerant and polite at all times. Otherwise they would all be at each others throats. And this has happened at various times in their history, especially in Indonesia. They don’t want open hostility. We can learn a lot about communication.

Being instantly honest about what you think is in a way selfish, as it implies that ones own issues are so important that everyone else should listen and understand. Only good friends will give you the space to spell out your grievances.

Interpersonal communication is fundamental to success in life. Getting this wrong has the potential to create both success and happiness but also, unfortunately, failure and unhappiness.

Food for thought!

Reply
1. quakerat
  
  November 26, 2012
  
  I wouldn’t say that I’m motivated by honesty. I do actually lie all the time: Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy….My motivation to be honest stems from my own desire to receive the truth from others. When I ask someone how they like their job, then I’d like the truth. I find I can often tell when someone says one thing but means something else entirely and I find it irritating and boring. It might even be described as condescending: the person assumes you can’t handle the truth, that you might get upset, so they make something up and tell you what they think you want to hear. Or perhaps the person can’t be bothered giving me a truthful answer and that’s even worse: it’s devaluing. “You’re just not worth it.”
  
  Honesty does not imply intolerance. Quite the contrary. I value diverse opinions so much that I want to hear them. I find it interesting. I may even end up changing my mind about something. That someone went the extra mile to explain their view to me makes me feel valued, important.
  
  Honesty does not imply a lack of sympathy. I can be very sympathetic to someone I disagree with. It’s hard to be sympathetic though when a person does not disclose the truth, or when they fabricate one.
  
  I think I’m smart enough to know that if I’m talking to a die-hard chocolate cake fan who would give his life to the cause for chocolate cake, then I might be better off concealing my dislike of chocolate cake. And I don’t have a problem with that. It’s also possible to be diplomatic in honesty. To say, “I can’t stand Auckland. It sucks.” has quite a different meaning to “I don’t like Auckland very much: it’s too big and busy for me”.
  
  On the plus side, my husband finds himself in a very privileged position: he is free to tell me my “bum looks big in that”, and I won’t get upset.
  
  Reply